About Jewishness

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?
- Woody Allen

What has my Jewishness got to do with Israel?
Just go to a pub after another strike of Israel against Hamas or any other innocents abroad, like Hezbollah or Al Quayda; mention casually that you're Jewish and everyone will hold you personally responsible for the petty little massacre.

You may be Jewish, but don't take it too seriously. Being Jewish is a joke.
Jewish humour is what the world keeps turning round. Without their humour, the Jews would probably not have been able to survive.
On the other hand, the Jews are the greatest drama-queens. Our ups are more up than anyone else's and our downs are the deepest downs a person could ever experience. I'm not exaggerating.

Jewish humour is the long tradition of humour in Judaism dating back to the Torah and the Midrash, but generally refers to the more recent stream of verbal, self-deprecating and often anecdotal humour originating in Eastern Europe and which took root in the United States over the last hundred years.
Rabbi Moshe Waldoks, a scholar of Jewish humour, said:
You have a lot of shtoch, or jab, humour, which is usually meant to deflate pomposity or ego, and to deflate people who consider themselves high and mighty. But Jewish humour was also a device for self-criticism within the community, and I think that's where it really was the most powerful. The humourist, like the prophet, would basically take people to task for their failings. The humour of Eastern Europe especially was centered on defending the poor against the exploitation of the upper classes or other authority figures, so rabbis were made fun of, authority figures were made fun of and rich people were made fun of. It really served as a social catharsis.

After Jews began to emigrate to America in large numbers, they, like other minority groups, found it difficult to gain mainstream acceptance and obtain upward mobility. (As Lenny Bruce lampooned, "He was charming... They said, 'C'mon! Let's go watch the Jew be charming!'") The newly-developing entertainment industry, combined with the Jewish humour tradition, provided a potential route for Jews to succeed. One of the first successful radio "sitcoms," , featured a Jewish family. As radio and television matured, many of its most famous comedians, including Jack Benny, Sid Caesar, George Burns, Henny Youngman and Milton Berle, were Jewish. The Jewish comedy tradition continues today, with Jewish humour much entwined with that of mainstream humour, as comedies like Seinfeld and Curb Your Enthusiasm indicate.

In America, a well-known brand of outsider-Jewish-neurotic humour emerged in the 1960s, embodied by comedians like Woody Allen and Joan Rivers. Their senses of humour were based on self-deprecation and the discomfort of fitting into one's own skin as well as into society; it's a humour of neurosis, insecurity and assessing position. Allen and Rivers are originally Konigsburg and Molinsky.
But my hunch was that things had changed since the 1960s. Is current American humour post-Jewish? And if so, how has the Jewish humour of the outsider been accepted into and perhaps altered by America, the land of the immigrant outsider par excellence?
With a completely serious face, eyes facing straight ahead and making no contact with the audience, stand-up Dan Mintz says into the mic: "My grandfather was actually a Holocaust survivor. And you can tell that it really affected him. Because, to this day, he still will not walk into a gas chamber."
Dan is known for his dead-pan delivery of non-sequitur one liners, and his absurd twists of logic. Dan's is an intellectual comedy, with a logical, clear and concise writing style, and in which the passion is under-wraps, in tension with the calm of the performance. Regardless of the content (this is one of his sole Jewish jokes), I wondered if he felt his writing and delivery style were Jewish in any way. "Well, maybe," he thinks. "If there's a brand of Jewish humour that is based in structural playing, and an emotional remove, a dryness, a Talmudic twisting."
"You get Jewish comedians for the same reason you get Jewish lawyers," Dan says. "We like to play around with laws, see things from different perspectives."
Israel-based comedian Yisrael Campbell also comments on feeling excluded from the Jerusalem Orthodox community because of his career. He grew up Catholic in Pennsylvania and converted to Judaism three times, each with a more stringent rabbi.
Not having been raised Jewish, is his sense of humour Jewish? Yisrael replied that he was brought up by a family of immigrants that used to drive around and point out all the country clubs they weren't allowed into. "I also didn't feel like the world was my oyster - or, actually, I felt like it was, but I couldn't eat it," he explains. In that sense, Yisrael says, he may have always had a Jewish sense of humour.
Dan Mintz says there isn't a new generation of ‘Jewish' comedians on the stand-up circuit. "Woody Allen already did Woody Allen; you can't repeat that," he says. "Jewish humour is so absorbed into the culture that everyone does it."
"Jewishness is normal in the USA, you don't have to be neurotic about it. Really, who could still talk about being Jewish on stage? What would you say?"

Peter prepares to convert Chris to Judaism

"When You Wish Upon a Weinstein" is an episode of the animated television sitcom Family Guy, created by Seth MacFarlane for the Fox Broadcasting Company. The series centers on the Griffins, a dysfunctional family consisting of parents Peter and Lois; their children Meg, Chris, and Stewie; and their anthropomorphic pet dog Brian. The show uses frequent cutaway gags, often in the form of vignettes which parody American culture.

Plot summary
Peter gives Lois’ "rainy-day fund" to a scam artist selling volcano insurance. That night, Stewie breaks Meg’s glasses because he hates being watched while he sleeps. Lois tells Peter that he needs to recover the money to buy their daughter a new pair of glasses. After hearing Quagmire and Cleveland talk about how men with Jewish-sounding names have helped them achieve financial success, Peter decides that he needs a Jew to handle his money (though the fact that the men are Jewish is coincidental and Cleveland tells Peter he doesn't approve of his logic) in an elaborate musical number based on “When You Wish upon a Star.” When a Jewish man named Max Weinstein (Peter Riegert) has car trouble outside the Griffin house, Peter takes it as a sign. After a foot chase, Peter pressures Max into helping him get the emergency money back.
After inviting Max to dinner and accompanying him to a reform synagogue, Peter comes to the conclusion that Chris (not the brightest in the family) would get smarter if he converted to Judaism. He secretly drives Chris to Las Vegas for a quickie Bar Mitzvah. Lois finds out about this from Brian and, borrowing Quagmire's car, arrives just in time to stop the ceremony. The congregants, angry that Lois is apparently insulting their religion, chase the Griffins until they escape onto a bus. In a reference to the interrupted wedding scene in the film The Graduate, the Griffins lock the synagogue's door using a large star of David (a crucifix was used in the film). After Lois points out that one's success is not based upon religion, Peter realizes the error of his ways. Unfortunately, the bus is full of nuns who, displeased that he strayed from Catholicism, attack him with rulers.

Some Fox network executives were concerned that the episode could be construed as anti-Semitic, and decided not to air the episode after it had completed post-production. It aired on Cartoon Network three years after being produced, and then it aired on Fox.
On the DVD commentary for the episode, Seth MacFarlane mentions that he showed the script of the episode to two rabbis, both of whom approved the episode “because Peter learns the right lesson at the end.” MacFarlane also points out that the writer, Ricky Blitt, is Jewish himself, as is Ben Stein, who plays the Rabbi.

I found the episode extremely funny, and it's one of my favorites. Go watch it, it's on DVD!

Adam Wills writes:
Lois Griffin – a Jew?
That’s the revelation from last night’s episode of “Family Guy” (titled “Family Goy”), which included Stewie in payot and a kippah reciting a “L’hadlik Ner” blessing during a Passover seder (followed by Mola Ram’s prayer from “Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom” before he removes Meg’s heart).
This second episode of the season, written by Mark Hentemann, begins with a geektastic “Super Friends” parody opener and then meanders through some flat gags about Peter falling in love with a Kathy Ireland cutout before moving on to a mostly sharp-witted Jewish plot. As can happen in “Family Guy,” the script’s humor takes a few mean-spirited, dark turns, including one gag that only a white supremacist could love –- shooting at Jews.
The Jewish plotline begins when a breast cancer scare leads Lois (voiced by Jewish actress Alex Borstein) to discover that her mother, Barbara Pewterschmidt, is a Holocaust survivor who gave up her Judaism to help her husband get into country clubs (“It was the right thing to do, dear,” Mrs. Pewterschmidt says).
“So Grandma Hebrewberg is actually Jewish?!” Lois asks.
“Yes, when she moved to America, her family changed their name. It was originally Hebrewbergmoneygrabber,” her mother says.
“Family Goy” includes the brief return of Jewish accountant Max Weinstein, the titular character from the episode “When You Wish Upon a Weinstein,” who reassures Lois she doesn’t need to change her life. (Another returning “Weinstein” character: the congregational rabbi voiced by Ben Stein.)
Peter embraces his wife’s Jewish heritage—donning a tallit, kippah and Star of David necklace (chest hair included), and changing his name to “Chhhhhhhh.” When Lois objects, Peter complains, “Leave it to a Jew to take all the fun out of being a Jew.” His enrolling the kids in day school is good for a few laughs, along with his pushing Lois to dress frum in the bedroom to turn him on and, wanting to be humiliated, says, “Tell me I don’t earn as much as your friend’s husband.”
The episode’s conflict is introduced via the ghost of Francis Griffin, Peter’s father, who chastises him for forsaking his Catholic beliefs. Peter immediately shuns his wife (“It’s the only religion with the word ‘ew’ in it”) and crucifies her on a makeshift cross made from Stewie’s crib. The episode takes a truly tasteless turn when Peter emulates Amon Leopold Göth, the Plaszów concentration camp commandant featured in “Schindler’s List,” sitting shirtless in his bedroom window with a rifle aimed at his wife, shooting at her and the town’s other well-known Jew, Mort. After Lois apologizes for Peter, Mort responds with, “No problem, Lois. That’s just how people say hello to me.” The bit crosses the line and hits with the same thud as the protracted scene from the episode “Long John Peter,” in which Peter is offered up as the real killer of Ron Goldman and Nicole Brown Simpson and O.J. is portrayed as the couple’s horrified best friend.
As Lois and Peter square off over whether the family will celebrate Passover or Easter, the resolution pulls in Jesus—a semi-regular character on the show—to reach an interfaith bridge of understanding, which seems to offer tepid support for Judeo-Christian belief and indulges mildly funny slights against Islam and faith in general.
My hope is that the series will roast the familial Jewish themes introduced in “Family Goy,” rather than continuing on the Jews-as-targets route. The show has regularly featured some inspiring Jewish gags – both in good taste and bad. And while highbrow community in-jokes would be better received by Jewish viewers, the likely reality is the Holocaust humor will continue to dominate. “Family Guy” voice actor Seth Green—also a Jew—once shared with me something Borstein told him prior to the launch of “Robot Chicken”: “The moment you put a bunch of Jewish writers in a room, you’re going to get a ton of Hitler jokes.”

Some of my favorite Jewish jokes

Q: Is one permitted to ride in an airplane on the Sabbath?
A: Yes, as long as your seat belt remains fastened. In this case, it is considered that you are not riding, you are wearing the plane.

Rabbi Altmann and his secretary were sitting in a coffeehouse in Berlin in 1935. "Herr Altmann," said his secretary, "I notice you're reading Der Stürmer! I can't understand why. A Nazi libel sheet! Are you some kind of masochist, or, God forbid, a self-hating Jew?"
"On the contrary, Frau Epstein. When I used to read the Jewish papers, all I learned about were pogroms, riots in Palestine, and assimilation in America. But now that I read Der Stürmer, I see so much more: that the Jews control all the banks, that we dominate in the arts, and that we're on the verge of taking over the entire world. You know – it makes me feel a whole lot better!"

After the assassination of Tsar Alexander II of Russia, a government official in Ukraine menacingly addressed the local rabbi, "I suppose you know in full detail who was behind it."
"Ach," the rabbi replied, "I have no idea, but the government's conclusion will be the same as always: they will blame the Jews and the bicyclists."
"Why the bicyclists?" asked the befuddled official.
"Why the Jews?" responded the rabbi.

During the days of oppression and poverty of the Russian shtetls, one village had a rumour going around: a Christian girl was found murdered near their village. Fearing a pogrom, they gathered at the synagogue. Suddenly, the rabbi came running up, and cried, "Wonderful news! The murdered girl was Jewish!"

During World War II, a sergeant gets a telephone call from a woman. "We would love it," she said, "if you could bring five of your soldiers over to our house for Thanksgiving dinner."
"Certainly, ma'am," replied the sergeant.
"Oh... just make sure they aren't Jews, of course," said the woman.
"Will do," replied the sergeant.
So that Thanksgiving while the woman is baking, the doorbell rings. She opens her door and, to her horror, five black soldiers are standing in front of her."Oh, my!" she exclaimed. "I'm afraid there's been a terrible mistake!"
"No ma'am," said one of the soldiers. "Sergeant Rosenbloom never makes mistakes!"

From one of Woody Allen's early stand-up routines: "We were married by a Reform rabbi in Long Island. A very Reform rabbi. A Nazi."

Another one by Woody Alen: "Rabbi Zwi Chaim Yisroel, an Orthodox scholar of the Torah and a man who developed whining to an art unheard of in the West, was unanimously hailed as the wisest man of the Renaissance by his fellow Hebrews, who totaled a sixteenth of one per cent of the population. Once, while he was on his way to synagogue to celebrate the sacred Jewish holiday commemorating God's reneging on every promise, a woman stopped him and asked the following question: 'Rabbi, why are we not allowed to eat pork?''We're not?' the Rev said incredulously. 'Uh-oh.'"

Q. What's a Jewish dilemma?
A. Half-price pork.

I’m very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.
- Woody Allen

A Jewish man lies on his deathbed, surrounded by his children. "Moshe, are you there?" he asks.
"Yes papa, I'm here."
"Sarah, are you there?"
"Yes papa, I'm here."
"Benny, are you there?"
"Yes pops, I'm here."
"Then who the fuck is looking after the shop?"

(This one is not about Polansky)
What did the Jewish pedophile ask the little girl?
"Hey, little girl, you want to buy some candy?"

Russia, 1946. Two Jewish toddlers are playing in a pool, naked.
The little boy says to the little girl: "Why don't you have a willie?"
The little girl replies: "We lost everything during the war."

Occupied Amsterdam, 1941. The Gestapo (Secret State Police of the Nazi's) has just annexed a building and is settling. In the mean time Jews from the ghetto are rounded up to be interrogated about the whereabouts of their relatives. A newly arrived Gestapo officer has just entered his new office when Moishe Cohen is brought in. He tells Moishe to sit down and the phone rings. The Gestapo officer picks up the phone; there's someone on the other end speaking Dutch.
"What? I don't understand a word," says the officer. "Wait, I'll pass you on to someone who speaks Dutch."
He gives the phone to Moishe and says, "You translate."
Moishe takes the phone and says, "With Moishe Cohen from the Gestapo?"

A rabbi and a Catholic priest are having lunch in a restaurant. The priest's food arrives, a scrumptious-looking ham entrée. The priest attacks his lunch, savouring every bite of the ham. Noticing the rabbi eyeing him, he asks, "So tell me, Rabbi Goldblum, have you ever had any pork before?"
The rabbi hesitates. "Well, it's not for me to say..."
The priest pushes on. "Oh, c'mon, Rabbi. We're both men of God here. We can tell each other our sins. Nothing to it."
"Umm... well, yes, as a matter of fact, I did have pork once."
Smugly the priest teases him, "And a fine meat it was, wasn't it? Heheh."
"Yeah, I'll say."
A few moments pass. The rabbi asks the priest: "Tell me Father, have you ever had sex with a woman before?"
"Why of course... well, before I took holy orders, that is."
The rabbi smirks, "Sure beat the taste of pork, didn't it?"

A rabbi once asked his old friend, a priest, "Could you ever be promoted within your Church?"
The priest says, thoughtfully, "Well, I could become a bishop."
The rabbi persists, "And after that?"
With a pause for consideration, the priest replies, "Maybe I could be a cardinal, even."
"And then?"
After thinking for some time, the priest responds, "Someday I may even rise to be the Pope."
But the rabbi is still not satisfied. "And then?"
With an air of incredulity, the priest cries, "What more could I become? God Himself?"
The rabbi says quietly, "One of our boys made it."

A minister told his friend Rabbi Goldman, "Last night, I dreamed of the Jewish Heaven. It was a slum, and it was overflowing with people — running, playing, talking, sitting — doing all sorts of things. But the dream, and the noise, was so terrific that I woke up."
The rabbi said, "Really? Last night, I dreamed of the Protestant Heaven. It was a nice, proper suburb, with neatly trimmed lawns, and houses all neatly lined up."
"And how did the people behave?" asked the minister.
"What people?"

Moishe and Solly are passing a Catholic Church and see a sign that reads "Convert to Catholicism, $50 Cash."
Moishe turns to his friend Solly and says, "Hey, I'm going to try it."
He enters the church and returns a few minutes later.
"So, did you convert? What was it like?" Solly eagerly asks.
"It was nothing", says Moishe, "I walked in, a priest sprinkled holy water on me, and said 'you're a Catholic.'"
"Wow," says Solly "and did you get the $50?"
"You Jews," replies Moishe "all you think about is money!"

An elderly man refuses to leave for the air raid shelter until he can find his dentures.
His wife yells at him, "What, you think they are dropping sandwiches?"

Moishe's son Benny needs a pair of shoes, so Moishe's telling Benny, "Offer Mr. Rosenbaum from the shoe shop half of what he's asking."
Benny's off to the shoe shop and finds the shoes he likes.
"That's 100 dollars," says Mr. Rosenbaum.
"Fifty," says Benny.
"Well, I know the financial situation of your parents, so O.K., fifty."
"Twenty-five," says Benny, obeying his father.
"Oh dear, you make live difficult for me Benny, but O.K., twenty-five."
"Twelve dollars fifty!" says Benny firmly.
Mr. Rosenbaum sighs. "Listen Benny, I have known your family for a long time, and I know how poor you are, so I will let you have the shoes for free."
"Then I will have two pairs," says Benny.

Moishe and his wife Sarah are in bed and Moishe can't sleep.
"What's wrong with you?" asks Sarah.
"Och, I promised Abraham across the street that I would pay him back the 100 dollars he lent me, but I can't, I don't have the money."
"Just a second," says Sarah. She opens the window and shouts, "Abe, hey Abe!"
Abraham opens the window and says, "What?"
"Moishe can't pay you the money!" says Sarah, and shuts the window.
"Right, now he can't sleep," she says to Moishe.

The railway guard hears from a concerned passenger that four clergymen are playing poker on the train. He investigates and finds them, a catholic priest, a protestant vickar, an iman and a rabbi.
"Were you playing poker?" he asks the priest.
"Me? No!" says the priest.
"And you, were you playing poker?" he asks the vickar.
"No way!" says the vickar.
"What about you?" he asks the imam.
"I didn't play poker," says the imam.
"Were you playing poker?" he asks the rabbi.
"What? Me? Playing poker on my own?"

Moishe and Sarah live opposite Esther's brothel and Sarah is watching everything that's going on.
"Moishe! The priest is going in! The filthy bastard!"
Half an hour later. "Moishe! The vickar is going in! Someone should tell his wife!"
An hour later. "Moishe! The rabbi has just gone in. Let's hope she's not ill."